Well, it's that time of year again.

And boy, am I not ready for it a single bit.

It's church basketball season, 2006 style, baby!

I attend the newly re-christened Crossroads Christian Church in Baxter Springs. We were formally known as Southside CC until an unfortunate problem with the building forced us to relocate north of town off hiway 400, where the name SOUTHside would make little sense. Ergo, the name change.

So we have a new name, new uniforms....but unfortunately, we still have one problem:

We suck.

Bad.

We are a church completely devoid of younger athletic talent. If we were to get together with the other churches and have a church spelling bee, musical/singing contest, and/or video game contest (I'd smite them in Halo in the name of the Lord), we'd rule them down.

But when it comes to sports, we gladly and happily take our beatings from the various churches in the area. Last season, we finished in 3rd place out of 5 teams because of our 2-2 performance in the double elimination tournament, during which the final game consisted of myself, my buddy T-Ho, my friend Dustin, a girl who plays for Baxter Springs High School, and 9th grader who I STILL don't know where he came from exactly.

This year we have gotten a year older, a year slower, and a year creakier. Matching up with the churches brimming with collegiate athletic talent will be very difficult, especially in a league where the officiating is impartial, incompetent, and strictly volunteer. I hope the ref is merciful on us, because let me go over our line-up with you:

Kyle: 6'4". Plays the point guard position because he NEVER goes inside despite being biggest guy on team. Has congenital back problems. Will shoot from either end of the court many, many times. Doesn't care if we win or lose.
Me: 6'4". Plays center. Has given up any pretense of being a ball handler. Slow. Can't shoot outside 10 feet. Can't jump. Not too big on rebounding. Defense? Nah. Likes to criticize. Asthmatic. Good for a few trips up and down the floor before faking injury just to stop the clock.
Matt: 5'10" Plays the 2. Former lineman with lineman hands. Gets lost in the trees. Has exceptional receding hairline, which doesn't benefit us but makes him more aerodynamic. Best move is 3 point hook shot that only goes in when he hums the ending song from the Robert Redford movie, "The Natural."
Terry: 5'10": Plays Power Forward. Round Mound of Rebound. Impossible to move out of the lane. 2 inch vertical leap. Makes 1 three pointer a game. Only cares about fouling me, and I'm on his team. Dreams of being a point guard despite the fact that he can't dribble.
Dustin: 5'10": Best position is the 3. Doesn't know what that means. Plays basketball once a year. Never speaks. We think he is a deaf/mute. Youngest player on the team at 25. Best athlete on team. That is sad.
Adam: 5'9": Has not, to this point in his life, ever played basketball.

If I were to grade our team, this what I would give us:

Speed: F. We're so slow, we were watching our game film last year when someone came in and thought we had hit PAUSE.
Rebounding: C- We always beat the opposing team to the blocks because we never LEAVE them. As far as we know, Terry has been on the blocks since last March blocking out.
Shooting: F+. More bricks than the Great Wall of China.
Defense: D-. Softer than a down pillow on Dolly Parton's chest.
Passing: N/A. We don't believe in it. Our philosophy is, if you get it, launch it. Even if it is at the other team's basket. Let 'er fly.
Stamina:F-. We are the only team in history to burn all our timeouts during pre-game.
Tempo of Play: Inert.

Season outlook: Injuries. Lots of them. Good thing Matt is an athletic trainer. Was first team all league last season in injury wrapping. He will be busy. (Hope he knows to the wrap a stroke.) We will have to keep ourselves in foul trouble. We like fouling because it stops the action and, in our league, the clock keeps running until the final 2 minutes of play.

This season we will be experimenting with a new offense that I call "Static." Each player that has successfully made it past half-court goes to the penetration line and tries to avoid passing out. Whoever has the ball, if they have not already had it stolen or thrown it out of bounds, will then heave it to the basket, even if he is covered by a trio of seven foot tall Nigerians. The other players will, upon the shot, turn around and begin the long process of running down to our side of the court, despite the fact that the other team will have passed us LONG before we get there. The player who took the shot will then complain that he was fouled as loudly as possible in an attempt to sway the referee's future decisions.

Right now we don't even know who we play tomorrow night at 8 p.m., but we do know that for us to win will take an act of Congress. I predict

THEM: 80
US: 17

I also predict that I will not be able to walk on Tuesday.

A full game report plus stats will be posted tomorrow night for the 3 of you who care.