Last night my wife and I attended the "Relaxation and Breathing (LaMaze)" Class at St. John's Hospital in Joplin. This was the fifth in a series of six classes that my wife and I are attending. Natalie's been to all of them, I missed the first one because of movie night here at school. But last night was the one that I was most looking forward to, primarily because of all things I've heard about it. Bill Cosby's classic standup routine about it still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

The lady who taught the class is probably a resident of the 1960s.....she reminds me of a bird, just casually flapping her wings against the wind, moving just enough to stay afloat on the air. She really started just quietly, smoothly going on and on about breathing and the benefits of relaxation......she had me until she told us the story of a couple who were delivering a child long after their two other kids had grown up- an "oops" child, if you catch my meaning. She said she had seen this couple practicing relaxing breathing, and then BAM- she lost me. She told about how 6 months later she ran into the same couple again at the store and the man told her about how just a while before, he had an industrial auger fall on him and completely crush his pelvis, and the only thing that got him through it was the relaxation breathing techniques.

1. Bull.
2. If an industrial auger completely crushed your pelvis, you sure as HECK aren't up and about talking about how great breathing and relaxing is. Those things are huge.

But on to the breathing. The entire key to relaxation and breathing is slow, controlled breaths that should serve the primary function of slowing down your pulse, releasing tension, and reducing panic-like symptoms.

Last night all it succeeded in doing was making me and every other guy in the room feel stupid.

She used simulated contractions for us to practice our breathing.......in throught the nose (hee's) and out through the mouth (hoo's). She would do it slowly, but when pain gets bad (as we were supposed to pretend was happening) we were supposed to go "Hee hee Hoo"- twice in, once out. Well......here is what happened.

Lady: Okay....the contractions are getting tougher...
Me: Hee Hee Hoo
Lady: Now they're really getting tough.....lots of pain, but breathe....
Me: Hee HEE HOO
Lady: Still lots of pain...holding steady, like some contractions do.....this is the Hiroshima of abdominal pain....
Me: HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HOO
Lady: You're gonna die.
Me: HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE (Whump)
Lady: What happened?
Natalie (my wife): He forgot to HOO.

After I woke up, we started again. I was careful not to make eye contact with the other guys because we would start laughing.....

Lady: Okay, the contractions are coming again....you hate your husband.....he did this to you.....
Me: HEE HEE HOO
Lady: Okay, Ha ha Hoo..
Me: What? What's this "ha" crap? I just now got the Hee's and the Hoo's down...and you throw a "ha" my way? Are you serious?
(Natalie punches me in the arm)

Now I'm not downplaying this at all or making fun of it. Because the women in the video we watched all looked supremely miserable, especially the EXTREMELY LARGE one who was using a relaxation technique called "Vocalization," in which the woman in labor would utter low sounds. I call it the "Moose Calling for Mate" technique instead, because if I were to go in the woods and play this videotape on full volume, I would have a buttload of horny mooses (Meese? Mooses?) stampeding down my back looking for some nice Moose Action.

But we don't really need it, in my humble opinion, as Natalie is opting for the method of "Receiving an epidural before we even get to the hospital, preferably a month early." Natalie is a tough gal- she has a very high pain tolerance. She MUST if she is married to me. However, she is not taking any chances. I am happy with this too, because there are only a few things that make me cry- and Natalie being in pain is one of them. Guys, you'll understand one day, you really will.

I hope you all have a great day of HEE-ing, just don't forget to HOO.