I now have a death warrant on my head because last night, on my way home from Wichita, I killed approximately 1.4 gazillion bugs with the Suburban I was driving. The International Bug Irritation Studio (IBIS) put the death warrant on me yesterday at 5 pm.

I stopped TWICE to clean off the dead bug juice, but it was like I was the U.S.S. Missouri and the bugs were kamikaze fighters....I can't think of anything I did to anger that many bugs, other than slapping about 100 of them with a rolled up newspaper at the golf tournament. So last night the bugs came after me in the suburban with their suicide attacks.

But bugs are stupid, and I was in a very large, very hard vehicle driving at a smooth 71 miles per hour. Their attacks did not sway me in the least- they just blocked my vision. Maybe that was their plan all along! To blind me and hope I wrecked and died for my brash slaughter of their brethren in Wichita.

News travels fast in the bug world, I guess.

But bugs in the midwest are getting cocky.

It's been abnormally hot, and they continue breeding and breeding and biting and sucking and ticking me off......they think they're gonna live forever.

Well, to the bugs I say NAY!

Frost will come and smite thee from the planet, and I will stand over thy withered, frozen corpses, singing the victory song ** and drinking a big mug of chocolate milk as I parade around in my heavy woolen sweater, mittens, and ear muffs that you stupid insects are not smart enough to wear. I mean, think of the discount. If you all went to Wal-mart and said, "We need 1.4 trillion sets of insect sized mittens to keep our little probosci warm in the coming cold, the Wal-Mart Manager (Al Smith, 53, thrice divorced) would have no choice but to give you a GREAT volume discount. I'm talking 40% here.

But you're just stupid bugs.
Die, bugs, die.

** (We Will Rock You by Queen)